Dating Profiles Understood

Determining what a dating profile means is like deciphering the Da Vinci code.

If you’re already an internet dating veteran, you’ve probably seen the same things written over and over again – the dating profile cliches. But what do they actually mean? Does someone with a good sense of humour really need to write that on their profile? Isn’t it something that can be inferred? And what the heck does ‘bubbly’ mean? Do they suffer from gas?

Why can’t people just say who they really are, as opposed to repeating the predictable garbage on every dating profile? So, to help you online daters, we’ve decoded some of the most common phases out there:

• “I don’t bite, unless you like that” – Ugh! This is something a girl who watches too much ‘Sex and the City’ would say, or a guy who watches too much pornography. Because of their over-involvement in onscreen relationships, this is actually what they think people want. If you do get to the bedroom, it’s probably going to be a theatrical experience with lots of over-the-top moaning and unnecessary bouncing.

• “I can have fun staying in and going out” –Whoa! Get ready for a wild ride with this one because it’s party time all day everyday! There’s no way to turn off that fun button. If you couldn’t tell there was heaps of sarcasm there, because in fact this person is probably woefully boring. They couldn’t think of a single thing they enjoy doing, so they said something really generic that appears on hundreds of other dating profiles.

• “I love a good laugh” – Oh, so you are the one person who enjoys to laugh, because I have never met someone before who enjoyed to laugh. More sarcasm of course – everyone loves to laugh, there’s not many people saying they “hate to laugh”. This is probably someone who has a painfully poor sense of humour and wouldn’t even laugh at those funny cat videos you spend hours watching on YouTube.

• “What happened to all the good ones?” – Get ready to run a mile because this one is either going to force you up the aisle at gunpoint or find endless fault with you. There’s no fun to be had here. Move onto the next dating profile quick!

• “Sexy only need apply” – This is a subtle way of saying “I love myself and so does everyone else, so please only the good looking ones apply so I don’t have to spend hours filtering through my many suitors“. If you do make contact, make sure you choose a venue with extra wide doors so they can fit through with their huge head! They will also assume that everyone is looking at them, and will delight in telling you so. Avoid this type like the plaque!

The moral of the story is, instead of writing boring cliches on your dating profile, just write something honest about yourself. It has to be better than all of the above.

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